Erin Snow
In my previous post to this site, we discussed the fact that most addicts lose at least part of their ability to feel and display empathy. The good news is that this loss is not permanent. Empathy can be reestablished with sobriety and a bit of effort. The following skills are useful to practice when strengthening empathic abilities.
Learning to Recognize Feelings in Others
People communicate their feelings in many ways. The most obvious is through verbal language. When really trying to connect with what someone is saying, it is necessary to put aside any distractions. Put down your phone, stop looking around at other people, quiet your mind from distractions, and really focus on the person speaking with you.
Many partners report frustration and hurt at trying to speak to the addict, only to see the addict’s eyes moving around the room, obviously distracted by something or someone. For important conversations, I ask couples to set aside dedicated time to speak. If it’s not convenient in the moment, ask to schedule a time in the near future when you can sit down and have a discussion. It can be helpful to face each other, hold hands, and make direct eye contact.
Focusing on Body Language
It is important to pay attention to non-verbal communication, as well as what is spoken. Be aware of the other person’s body language, as well as your own. Norms for body language and communication tend to be cultural, so the meaning of waving, nodding, pointing, or gestures may vary. Direct eye contact can also vary across cultures. Facial expressions, however, tend to be universal across cultures. No matter what the setting, be sensitive to the appearance, words, and feelings you get while communicating with the other person.
You can also learn to express yourself through body language. You can let the person know you are attending to their words and feelings with your body language. Lean in to listen carefully, nodding your head when something makes sense.
Recognizing Body Sensations
We have more emotional neurons in our gut and around our heart than in our brain. So, pay attention to what your body is telling you. Most addicts learn to ignore their body sensations and will have to re-learn this skill in sobriety.
Understanding Conversation Guidelines
There are some guidelines that can improve your ability to experience empathy in conversations. First and foremost, refrain from giving unsolicited advice. In most cases, people just want to be heard and witnessed; they do not want feedback or for you to provide a solution. Try not to hijack the situation with statements such as, “Let me tell you about a time that happened to me.” Instead, convey nonjudgmental kindness while listening to their words and, if it seems appropriate, ask if they would like feedback from you.
Identifying Touch Boundaries
As you work on building empathy, you must be sensitive to touch. Some people, especially those with a history of sexual abuse or betrayal, may not want a hug or any touch, even if it is meant as a gesture of kindness and support.
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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex or porn addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity offers inpatient treatment for sex and porn addicts, as well as low-cost online workgroups for addicts and betrayed partners.