This entry was posted in Blogs and tagged , on

Basic Tools for Chemsex Recovery

Dr. David Fawcett

Unfortunately for sexualized drug users seeking recovery, triggers are unavoidable, especially because sex and drugs are so thoroughly baked into our consumer culture. In today’s world, anyone—anywhere, anytime—can be triggered into sexual desire. It could be driving past one sexy billboard after another, seeing someone showing just a bit too much skin at the mall, sitting in the stands at a kid’s soccer match, picking up a magazine at a friend’s house, hanging out at a neighborhood party, attending a work event, taking the dog for a walk, going to the movies, working out, sitting at home watching TV, driving through a particular neighborhood, etc.

When drug use and sexual fantasy and behavior have fused, those triggers multiply. This means that triggers are endless in number and variety, and there is quite literally nothing to be done about it beyond learning what it feels like to be triggered and choosing to implement healthier (non-addictive) coping choices when needed.

When sexualized drug users are triggered, it is important that they have a recovery toolbox that they can reach into in their moment of crisis. After all, utilizing one or more healthy coping mechanisms (tools of recovery) is the only consistently effective way to short-circuit the addictive cycle. The first and most obvious tool is the Circle Plan. Other useful tools include but are not even remotely limited to the following:

  • Group Therapy and 12-Step Recovery Meetings: To maintain long-term recovery, sexualized drug users need places where they can talk openly and honestly without fear of judgment about their addiction—including when, where, why, and how they are sometimes triggered. This is doubly true after they’ve been triggered and then struggled to halt the addictive cycle. By far, the most readily available safe (empathetic, nonjudgmental, and relatively private) place to do this is before, during, and after group therapy or a 12-step recovery meeting. Put simply, one of the most powerful tools in the toolbox is talking to another recovering addict. If no meeting is taking place at that moment, addicts can turn to their group’s phone list and call anyone on it. Having this handy list of phone numbers of supportive friends in recovery is essential when addicts have an urge to act out, when they need immediate help in a crisis, or when they simply want support and guidance from someone who speaks the language of recovery.
  • sex under the influence.jpgHALT: This is an acronym for hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Any of these simple conditions can leave an addict more vulnerable than usual to acting out. Let’s face it, even healthy, non-addicted people tend to behave in ways they might later regret when their judgment is clouded by hunger, anger, loneliness, or exhaustion. The trick here is for addicts to recognize and address these needs when they arise rather than simply lumping them in with every other form of emotional discomfort that they once tried to avoid by engaging in addictive behaviors. As such, especially when triggered in early recovery, addicts must learn to HALT and ask themselves: “When was the last time I ate? Did I get enough sleep last night? Is there some conflict in my life that I need to resolve? Would a few minutes spent talking with someone who understands me help me feel better?” More often than not, a catnap, a candy bar, or a five-minute phone conversation will greatly diminish the desire to act out.
  • Bookending: Sometimes addicts are triggered unexpectedly. Other times, triggers can be seen days in advance. For instance, attending a social engagement where people will be looking their best and drinking alcohol is an obvious potential trigger for most addicts. Knowing this, they can arrange to bookend such an event with phone calls to their therapist, 12-step sponsor, accountability partner, or another supportive person in recovery. During the before call, the addict commits to sobriety and discusses plans to avoid relapse in this particular situation. Later, the after call provides an opportunity to discuss what happened, what feelings came up, and what the addict might need to do differently next time.
  • Practicing Gratitude: Sexualized drug users have typically used their sexual fantasies and behaviors to numb themselves for so long that they’ve forgotten how to experience emotions in a healthy way—especially uncomfortable ones like anxiety, depression, shame, fear, and the like. Sometimes, especially early in the recovery process, they can become overwhelmed by those feelings, losing sight of what is going right in their lives. A great way to combat this stinking thinking is to create a gratitude list. Writing a ten-item gratitude list nearly always counteracts almost any trigger and halts the addictive cycle. For some addicts, every gratitude list begins in the same way: “I am grateful to be sober at this moment.” A side benefit of gratitude is that it promotes happiness. As Brené Brown, notes in her book, Daring Greatly, gratitude and joy are inextricably linked.[i] After conducting quite literally thousands of in-depth interviews examining the causes and underlying factors of happiness, Dr. Brown found one primary difference between happy people and unhappy people. It is that happy people are grateful for what they have. Period. People who are grateful for what they have tend to focus on their strengths rather than their weaknesses. They are also more hopeful, less stressed-out, less likely to wallow in shame and depression, and more likely to recover from an addiction.
  • The Three-Second Rule: Sex addicts and sexualized drug users are not in control of the thoughts that pop into their minds. What they can control is what they do with those thoughts once they become aware of them. For instance, after recognizing an unwanted and addictive thought or fantasy, they can allow themselves a maximum of three seconds to turn away from it and focus on something else. Typically, as soon as they become aware of the triggering thought, they turn it over to their Higher Power, asking for the thought to be removed. This process works, and it works well, even for addicts who struggle with the concept of God/Higher Power. The simple act of doing something, anything at all, to get rid of the unwanted thought or fantasy nearly always does the trick. Sometimes, the three-second rule only helps for a few moments. During difficult periods, unwanted addictive thoughts may pop into an addict’s mind almost constantly—one unwanted fantasy is banished and, moments later, another arrives. When this occurs, the three-second rule can be used repeatedly. This can actually be a blessing because practicing the three-second rule on a regular basis inevitably decreases the power of addictive triggers, as long as those triggers are not reinforced/rewarded by using or acting out.

Obviously, these five tools are hardly the full kit. Journaling, written 12-step work, ongoing outreach to others in recovery, 12-step sponsorship (both giving and receiving), reading recovery related literature, changing old routines, developing healthy hobbies, prayer, meditation, and just plain thinking it through are just a few of the hundreds of other tools that sexualized drug users can rely on to combat their addictive patterns.

Before proceeding, I’d like to pause and reiterate one particularly powerful statement from the above information. When sexualized drug users are triggered, the most powerful tool they have is their willingness to let another recovering addict know that they are struggling. As such, those who do best in recovery are those who are willing to throw themselves wholeheartedly into the sober community—making friends, making and taking recovery-related phone calls, fully engaging in their 12-step meetings and recovery support groups, and willingly being of service to other recovering addicts.

References

[i] Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead. London: Penguin.

* * * * * * * * * *

If you or a loved one are struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts new to recovery. Click HERE for information on our Sex Addiction Workgroup. Click HERE for information on our Porn Addiction workgroup.