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Porn Addiction: Getting Started in Recovery

Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT

Porn addicts nearly always require outside assistance if they hope to heal. If they could change things on their own, they would, but they can’t, so they don’t. Shame and remorse about addictive porn use and related consequences are just not enough to prevent porn addicts from backsliding when challenged by emotional and psychological discomfort. Willpower alone just doesn’t cut it. Without external support, porn addicts’ promises to change, made to both themselves and others, almost inevitably fall by the wayside.

The good news is that with proper guidance and support, lasting sobriety and a happier, healthier life are possible. Before beginning this journey toward emotional healing and sexual recovery, however, it is important for porn addicts to understand they will need to keep an open mind and become honest with empathetic and supportive others about their problematic sexual fantasy life and behaviors.

That said, the first step on the porn addiction healing journey is an internal one: addicts must decide that they want help with their addiction. Typically, this willingness to enter a process of recovery arises because the addict has experienced negative consequences related to porn use. Often, the addict’s relationship, job, standing in the community, or even freedom are threatened. Other times, the motivation is internal, with the addict simply not liking the person they’ve become and wanting to change. It doesn’t really matter where the initial impetus comes from—even superficial remorse can get the ball rolling—as long as the impetus is there to some degree.

Once porn addicts are motivated to change and willing to accept outside assistance, they should do exactly that. This process starts with finding an accountability partner.

An accountability partner is a person who holds the addict accountable for the work that must be done, often providing feedback as that work happens. This supportive guide is typically a therapist, a 12-step sexual recovery sponsor, a non-shaming member of the clergy, or a close friend who is also healing from addiction. (Porn addicts should not use a spouse or any other romantic partner as their accountability partner because those individuals are nearly always too close to the situation—and too injured by the situation—to provide the objective input that is needed.)

If porn addicts find themselves resisting the idea of finding a suitable accountability partner, they should commit to a loved one or a close friend who is aware of their situation that they will find an appropriate person within a certain timeframe (within 48 hours is a good suggestion), and then they should ask that loved one or friend to make sure this occurs.

A few of the more common early-recovery commitments that an accountability partner might ask a porn addict to make are as follows:

  • Promising to reach out immediately if the addict feels triggered to use porn.
  • Promising to reach out immediately if the addict actually does use porn.
  • Throwing away all physical material related to the problem. For instance, addicts need to throw out all books, magazines, VHS tapes, DVDs, flash drives, and other storage devices that contain pornographic imagery or stories, along with any related paraphernalia, such as lubricants and sex toys.
  • Going through computers, laptops, tablets, smartphones, etc., deleting any and all files, emails, bookmarks, profiles, and apps related to the addiction.
  • Canceling any addiction-related memberships to websites, apps, and brick-and-mortar establishments, along with any credit cards that have been used to pay for these memberships (to make sure the memberships don’t automatically renew).
  • Committing to stay away from “not porn” and other gray area activities.
  • Committing to using digital devices only where others can also see the screen.
  • Purchasing and installing “parental control software.” These filtering and accountability software products—Net Nanny, Qustodio, Covenant Eyes, and the like—prevent access to problematic online venues and monitor an addict’s use of digital devices, typically providing reports to the addict’s accountability partner.
  • Creating and implementing a plan for sobriety (a Circle Plan).

In my future posts to this site, I will discuss the individual nature of sexual sobriety, the creation of a Circle Plan, and ways porn addicts typically experience (and overcome) symptoms of withdrawal.

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