Scott Brassart
Last week, we discussed how to work Step 5 of the 12 steps, along with the benefits of working that step. This week, our focus logically moves to Step 6.
Step 6 reads as follows:
We were entirely ready to have God remove all our defects of character.
The Alcoholics Anonymous authored book, The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, famously says Step 6 is the step that separates the men from the boys. What the AA folks mean by this is that compiling a list of our character defects and then becoming completely, absolutely, and totally willing to let go of those defects requires a lot of fortitude, especially when some of those defects are actually – when not carried too far – necessary elements of life.
The trick here is to realize that our life-sustaining natural instincts (for sex, food, security, connection, and the like) are good things until they spiral out of control. Essentially, when these naturally instilled survival instincts begin to drive us blindly into regrettable behaviors, they become character defects. So, if lust is ruining our marriage (because we are routinely cheating on our spouse, for instance), the natural desire for sex has become a character defect that we might want to curtail.
The first part of working step 6, of course, is figuring out what our character defects actually are. Having worked Step 4, we probably have a pretty good idea. In fact, with this portion of Step 6, it is usually very helpful to re-read our Step 4 inventory, looking for patterns of fear, dishonesty, greed, lust, jealousy, grandiosity, willfulness, sideways anger, and the like. As we go along, we can write down each individual character defect we spot.
Once we have compiled our list of character defects, we can write next to each character defect a corresponding trait that we’d like to replace it with. For instance, if we identify lust as a character defect, we could choose marital fidelity as something we aspire to. If lying is identified as a character defect, we might choose honesty and transparency as things to shoot for. Etc. There is no set number of character defects that we should be trying to identify. Each addict’s list will be as long as it needs to be.
At this point many of us find ourselves asking: How do I become entirely ready to have my Higher Power remove my character defects? The answer is that we probably don’t. The best we can really hope for is to try to become entirely ready. If we make an honest effort in that regard and continue that effort on a regular basis, the process eventually gets easier. But no one has ever worked Step 6 to perfection, and no one ever will.
For some of us, it helps to realize that in letting go of our character defects we are not “giving something up.” Rather, we are learning to behave differently and in ways that better serve us and our loved ones. Compiling a list of affirmations can be useful in this regard. A good exercise for this is taking each character defect and writing three to five positive statements about living differently. These affirmations should be worded as if we’ve already conquered the defect. For lying we might write:
- I am telling the truth in all matters.
- I no longer keep secrets from important people in my life.
- I feel better about myself when I tell the truth than when I am dishonest.
Repeating these affirmations aloud at the start and close of each day is a great way to realize that letting go of character defects really does result in a better life.
For some of us, one final question remains: If and when we become entirely ready to have our Higher Power remove our defects of character, will that entity oblige? Happily, the answer to this question is a resounding “Yes!” Any addict who’s achieved lasting sobriety is proof of this fact. However, those same addicts will also tell you their Higher Power is not in the business of rendering them pure as snow and keeping them that way without their active and relatively constant participation in the process. In other words, overcoming character defects is an ongoing affair; our Higher Power will happily take away our shortcomings, and just as happily return them whenever we’d like.
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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity offers inpatient treatment for sex, porn, and substance/sex addicts, as well as low-cost online workgroups. At the same time, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.