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Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT

Circle plans define and set limits on which sexual behaviors are and are not acceptable for each individual sex, porn, or substance/sex addict.

Goals

Typically, the process of crafting a circle plan begins with a statement of goals. Basically, addicts list the primary reasons they want to change their sexual behavior. A few commonly stated goals are as follows:

  • I don’t want to cheat on or keep secrets from my spouse.
  • I want to be present in the real world instead of living my life online.
  • I don’t want to use pornography ever again.

Once an addict’s goals for recovery are clearly stated, they can move forward with the creation of a personalized circle plan utilizing these pre-established goals as an overall guide.

Circle plans are three-tiered, constructed as follows:

The Inner Circle (Red Circle): This is the addict’s bottom-line definition of sexual sobriety. Here a sex, porn, or substance/sex addict lists specific behaviors (not thoughts or fantasies) that are causing problems and they therefore need to stop. If the addict engages in inner/red circle behaviors, they have “slipped” and will need to reset their sobriety clock (while also doing a thorough examination of what led to the slip). A few common inner/red circle behaviors are as follows:

  • Going online for porn or webcamming
  • Engaging in webcam sex
  • Hiring prostitutes
  • Hooking up for casual and/or anonymous sex
  • Having affairs

The Middle Circle (Yellow Circle): This circle lists warning signs and slippery situations that might lead a sex, porn, or substance/sex addict back to inner/red circle activities. Here the addict lists the people, places, thoughts/fantasies, events, and experiences that might trigger their desire to act out sexually. A few common middle/yellow circle items are as follows:

  • Skipping therapy and/or a support group meeting
  • Lying (about anything), especially to a loved one
  • Poor self-care (lack of sleep, eating poorly, working too much, etc.)
  • Unstructured time alone
  • Emotional discomfort (loneliness, boredom, anxiety, etc.)

The Outer Circle (Green Circle): This circle lists healthy behaviors and activities that can and hopefully will lead a sex, porn, or substance/sex addict toward their life goals, including (but not even remotely limited to) having a healthy, non-destructive sex life. These healthy pleasures are what the addict can turn to as a replacement for sexual acting out. A few common outer/green circle behaviors are as follows:

  • Time with family, especially the kids
  • Engaging in hobbies
  • Self-Care (exercising, eating right, getting enough sleep, etc.)
  • Developing a spiritual life
  • Going back to school

Circle Plans Are Not Cookie-Cutter

Every sex, porn, or substance/sex addict has a unique life history, singular goals, and specific problematic sexual behaviors. Therefore, every circle plan is different. Behaviors that are deeply troubling for one addict may be perfectly acceptable for another, and vice versa, so there is no set formula for defining and living sexual sobriety. The key is for each addict to be totally, completely, and brutally honest when formulating their circle plan.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex or porn addiction, help is available. For porn addicts, Seeking Integrity offers a low-cost online workgroup series. Click HERE for information. We also offer a similar workgroup series for sex addicts. Click HERE for information.