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Scott Brassart

A few weeks ago, I was asked by a member of my online sex addiction workgroup for men about how he and his wife could effectively check in with each other as a way to rebuild intimacy. He told me that he and his wife were trying to share with one another every night before bed, but they were struggling, and their attempts at reconnection were doing more harm than good, often resulting in high-stress conversations and even outright arguments.

Couple’s healing is hardly my area of expertise – I am a recovering addict who writes and teaches other recovering addicts about addiction – so I reached out to several therapists I know who are expert in both addiction and couple’s work. Happily, each of the clinicians to whom I reached out responded. Interestingly, they each suggested a somewhat different format for checking in, which suggests to me that the power of a couple’s check-in is not in the specific format, but in having a structured and agreed-upon method so each person knows what the boundaries are, thereby preventing the type of somewhat random and sometimes unproductive checking in I was asked about.

What follows are two different formats that couples might want to experiment with to see what works best for them. The first, FANOS, is relatively standardized and quite commonly used. The second is a combination of longer formats suggested by several of the therapists.

FANOS Check-In

FANOS seems to be the simplest and most utilized format for couples’ check-ins. FANOS is an acronym for Feelings, Affirmations/Appreciations, Needs, Ownership, Struggles/Sobriety. One person checks in while the other listens without questions or comments. Then the other person checks in the same way. It is important to maintain eye contact while checking in. Generally, FANOS is a daily check-in done at the same time each day (usually in the evening, but not too close to bedtime). Typically, it is best if the addicted partner initiates the check-in procedure as a sign that they are serious about recovery and relationship healing.

  • Feelings: Share what you are feeling at this moment.
  • Affirmations/Appreciations: Affirm your partner for something they have done.
  • Needs: State a need you have today (maybe but not necessarily a need that you hope your partner will meet).
  • Ownership: Take responsibility for something you have said or done that hurt your partner or your relationship.
  • Struggles/Sobriety: Share a struggle you have had since the last check-in. (If the addict has struggled with sobriety, this is the time to share it.)

Longer Check-In

It is recommended that couples engage in this somewhat longer check-in only two times per week. The typical recommendation is Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 8:30 p.m. As with FANOS, it is important that each person be allowed to check in without interruption, and that each person attempt to maintain eye contact throughout the check-in process. Again, it is best if the addicted partner initiates the check-in procedure as a sign that they are serious about recovery and relationship healing.

The addict should check in first, covering the following information:

  • Work Done: The addict should share about recent work toward sobriety and healing, including a non-specific overview of therapy and 12-step work. (For example, the addict should share what step they are working and how that is proceeding, but not the specifics of the work or what the addict is uncovering.)
  • Behavioral Challenges: The addict should share about any struggles with sobriety or other behaviors since the previous check-in, also sharing what they have been doing in response to those struggles – i.e., what they are doing to stay sober after they feel triggered. Emphasis should be on tools used to combat triggers rather than on triggers themselves.
  • The Five Essentials: The five essentials are (1) morning prayer and meditation, (2) step work, (3) calls to others in recovery, (4) therapy and support group meetings, and (5) evening prayer and gratitude. The addict should share how many of the five they have engaged in since the previous check-in. If they have missed one of the essentials, they should share which one.
  • Success: The addict should share about what they are most proud of about their recovery since the previous check-in, and how they feel about this success.
  • Gratitude: The addict should list five things for which they are grateful. At least one item should be about their recovery; at least one item should be about their partner; at least one item should be about themselves; and at least one item should be about their relationship. The fifth item can be about whatever they choose.

After the addict checks in, the partner should check in.

  • Work Done: The betrayed partner should share in a non-specific way about recent work toward personal and relationship healing. (For example, the betrayed partner might want to share that they went to an online support group for betrayed partners, but they should not share about what was discussed in that group.)
  • Behavioral Challenges: The betrayed partner should share about any behavioral struggles they’ve had since the previous check-in (desires to spy, scream, share inappropriately, etc.), also sharing what they have been doing in response to those struggles – i.e., what they are doing to keep their behavior in check.
  • Success: The betrayed partner should share about what they are most proud of about their healing process since the previous check-in, and how they feel about this success.
  • Gratitude: The betrayed partner should list five things for which they are grateful. At least one item should be about their personal process of healing; at least one item should be about their partner; at least one item should be about themselves; and at least one item should be about their relationship. The fifth item can be about whatever they choose.

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If your relationship has been impacted by sexual addiction, help is available. Sex and Relationship Healing offers free webinars and discussion groups for addicts, betrayed partners, and couples. Seeking Integrity offers low-cost online workgroups for addicts, betrayed partners, and couples, and residential treatment for male addicts.