By Tim Stein
Meditation from Gifts of Recovery.
Just because we have learned something does not mean we will not need to learn it again.
–Therapy Metaphor
We are constantly learning. Sometimes we learn intentionally and sometimes we learn unintentionally. Regardless of what we are learning or how we learn it, it is good to remind ourselves that we may need to learn this very same thing again in the future. In recovery, this is absolutely true. How many times have we had ah-ha moments with a clear understanding of what worked and what did not, only to find ourselves repeating our old, ineffective pattern a couple weeks, a couple days, or a couple hours later. In life and recovery, learning is about progress; there is no shame in learning something again if the process is moving us in a positive direction.
When have I learned something only to repeat the previous, ineffective pattern again? Have I accepted that change takes time? What gifts await me as I accept that I may learn the same thing many times?
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As therapists, one of the realities we have learned to accept is that we will have the same conversation with the same client about the same situation leading to the same understanding and guidance multiple times. This might be related to a difficult truth your client struggles to accept. This may be related to a recurring problematic pattern that your client makes progress on, but which tends to rear its head periodically. Regardless of why, this cyclical nature of growth and regression is unavoidable. There is a reason the phrase “two steps forward, one step back” is so prevalent.
Of more importance is how we, as the therapist, respond to these repeated conversations. It is unhelpful to either shame the client or to pretend this isn’t a repeat. Shaming the client implies that “You know this creates problems. Just stop it.” (There is a wonderful Bob Newhart sketch from Mad TV that demonstrates this absurd idea. You can find it by searching “Bob Newhart Stop It”.) Pretending this isn’t a repeated conversation does not allow the client to build on past progress and learn about the gravitational pull of past ineffective coping skills. A balance between these responses allows empathy and understanding related to this challenge and a springboard for your client’s growth and progress.
As a wounded healer, I often have the experience of realizing that the patterns and guidance that arise in my conversations with clients also apply to me. I assume I am not alone in the experience. When this happens, how we choose to respond is important. Do we shame ourselves for not having life and recovery perfectly figured out? Do we consciously or unconsciously ignore these realizations and move on as if our recovery is fine and there is nothing here for us to address? These responses would not be helpful to our clients, and they are not helpful to us. Applying the skills we employ in therapy with ourselves suggests that we lovingly embrace these insights and give ourselves grace for being imperfect in our ongoing progress.
Pia Mellody frequently highlights that humans are perfectly imperfect. The 10th Step acknowledges this as well: “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” As wounded healers, we will learn the same thing time and again. This does not mean we are failing. It means, like our clients, we are making progress imperfectly. The important question is that when life highlights there is something I need to learn again, am I willing to embrace this learning? The willingness to learn things again is essential.