Porn Addiction: Crafting a “Circle Plan”

Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT

Circle Plans, sometimes referred to as Boundary Plans or Sexual Sobriety Plans, define and set limits on which sexual behaviors are and are not acceptable for each individual addict. Addicts then commit to engage only in sexual behaviors that are non-problematic for them. As long as their sexual behavior does not violate these highly individualized boundaries, they are sexually sober.

It is important that these plans be put in writing and that they clearly define the addict’s bottom-line problem behaviors. Murky plans lead to murky recovery.

Typically, the process of crafting a Circle Plan for porn addiction begins with a statement of goals. Essentially, addicts list the primary reasons they want to change their sexual behavior. A few commonly stated goals are as follows:

• I want to be faithful to and not keep important secrets from my spouse.
• I want to be present in the real world instead of living my life online.
• I want to feel like a whole, integrated, healthy person—living my life with integrity.

Once an addict’s goals for recovery are clearly stated, the addict can move forward with the creation of their Circle Plan, utilizing their pre-established goals as an overall guide.

[Circle Plan Illustration]

As you can see from the illustration, Circle Plans are three-tiered, constructed as follows:

The Red Circle (Inner Circle): This is the addict’s bottom-line definition of sobriety. Here porn addicts list specific behaviors (not thoughts or fantasies) that are causing problems and therefore need to stop. A few common red circle behaviors are as follows:

• Viewing porn, with or without masturbation.
• Reading any type of erotic literature.
• Intentionally viewing “not porn,” meaning imagery that is technically not porn but can nonetheless be used for purposes of arousal.
• Webcamming for sexual or romantic purposes with anyone other than my spouse.
• Intentionally objectifying people at the gym, the beach, or anywhere else.

Notice that I used the word intentionally in the statement about viewing “not porn.” This is because the world is quite literally filled with “not porn,” so there is no way to fully avoid it. If, however, a porn addict intentionally views “not porn,” either by searching for it or sticking with it after they stumble upon it, that is an intentional behavior that likely violates their sexual sobriety.

The Yellow Circle (Middle Circle): This circle lists warning signs and slippery situations that might lead a porn addict back to red circle activities. Here, the addict lists people, places, thoughts/fantasies, events, and experiences that might trigger their desire to relapse. A few common yellow circle items are as follows:

• Skipping therapy or a support group meeting.
• Lying or keeping secrets (about anything), especially with a loved one.
• Triggering feelings like anxiety, depression, loneliness, boredom, stress, etc.
• Fighting and/or arguing with anyone, especially with loved ones.
• Unstructured free time.

The Green Circle (Outer Circle): This circle lists healthy behaviors and activities that can and hopefully will lead an addict toward their life goals—including but not even remotely limited to having a healthy, non-destructive sex life. These healthy pleasures are what the addict can turn to as a replacement for porn use. A few common green circle items are as follows:

• Spend more time with family, especially the kids.
• Rekindle an old hobby (or develop a new one).
• Self-care with sleep, food, and exercise.
• Attend regular therapy and 12-step recovery meetings.
• Feel better about myself by volunteering and being of service.

As porn addicts construct their Circle Plan, they must understand that every porn addict is different, with a unique life history, singular goals for life and recovery, and specific problematic behaviors. Therefore, every porn addict’s Circle Plan is going to be at least a little bit different. Behaviors that are deeply troubling for one addict may be perfectly acceptable for another, and vice versa. The only thing that should be consistent among porn addicts is that viewing porn and intentionally viewing “not porn” should always be listed in the red circle.

It is equally important to understand that Circle Plans are about much more than staying away from red circle behaviors. Yes, that is the initial goal, but there is much more to the process of healing. Over the long term, recovering from porn addiction is more about “living in the green circle” than avoiding the red circle. No addict can fully recover just by not doing certain things. The flip side—the green circle—is equally important.

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