What Does Sobriety Look Like for Porn Addicts?
Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT
Porn addicts in the early stages of healing may have little to no idea what the term “sexual sobriety” means. Many worry that sexual sobriety mirrors chemical sobriety, where permanent abstinence is the goal. In fact, porn addicts new to treatment often pose some form of the following question: “Will I ever have a healthy, regular sex life, or do I have to give up sex forever?” This question is usually followed by a statement like: “If I have to give up sex permanently, then you can forget about me staying in recovery.” And who would fault them for this?
Fortunately, unlike sobriety for alcoholism and drug addiction, sexual sobriety is not defined by long-term abstinence. Instead, porn addiction treatment addresses sobriety much as it is handled with eating disorders—another area in which long-term abstinence is simply not feasible. Basically, instead of permanently abstaining from all sexual activity, recovering porn addicts learn to be sexual in non-compulsive, non-problematic, life-affirming ways.
That said, porn addicts new to treatment and recovery are typically asked to take a timeout (usually 30, 60, or 90 days) from all sexual behaviors, including masturbation (even masturbation that doesn’t lead to orgasm), when they begin the process of recovery. This brief period of total sexual abstinence is suggested because most newly recovering porn addicts have lost touch with reality when it comes to their sexual fantasy life and behavior, and because of this, they find it difficult to distinguish between healthy and problematic sexuality.
This temporary period of sexual abstinence provides recovering porn addicts, working with a therapist, 12-step sponsor, or some other accountability partner, a chance to develop some clarity about which of their behaviors are part of their addiction and which are not. Porn addicts can also use this timeframe to dismantle their denial, to learn what their triggers are, and to develop a support network and healthy coping skills they can turn to instead of using porn.
Again, total sexual abstinence is not a long-term intervention. In fact, the heavy lifting of porn addiction recovery is not this period of self-restraint, it’s the slow (re)introduction of healthy sexuality and intimacy into the addict’s life. The true goal of porn addiction recovery is not celibacy; it’s learning to meet your emotional and physical needs without engaging in problematic sexual activity.
In my next post to this site, I will discuss the creation Circle Plans, the plans that porn addicts use to define their problematic, slippery, and healthy behaviors. Having a well-defined Circle Plans is a must for any porn addict who hopes to quit porn and work toward healthy relationships and sexuality.
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