Dr. David Fawcett
Early recovery can be a thrilling experience. Everything seems new and exciting. We encounter different people, we experience lots of change, and there is the optimism of a fresh start. For many of us, it feels like coming out of the dark into the light, often accompanied by a kind of euphoria which is sometimes known in 12 step programs as a “Pink Cloud.” Colors seem brighter, food tastes great, and we begin to experience more positive emotions. Life feels better simply as a result of daily reprieves from the cycle of addiction.
But like most things, novelty soon wears off. What was new and exciting becomes more routine. Much like that new car smell that gradually fades, we become more accustomed to life without the drama and intensity of an active addiction. With diligence, most of us develop a sense of satisfaction and contentment that is well-earned. But without constantly moving forward in recovery, that contentment can slowly slip into complacency. And with complacency, there is a heightened risk of relapse.
What does complacency look like? It can take many forms but here are a few:
- We might stop going to meetings or we might stop doing service, both of which keep us highly integrated into our programs of recovery.
- We might stop being teachable, losing the ability to admit when we’re wrong and learn from our mistakes.
- We might slow our efforts to improve, such as studying the steps or working in therapy.
When complacency sets in, old self-deceptions begin to creep back in. Rationalizations to do something that may not be in our best interest suddenly begin to make a lot of sense. Rigid thinking may emerge, or we may find ourselves trying too hard to explain why a risky situation is OK just this once.
Here are some tips for handling complacency in recovery:
- Know when we are at risk. We need to practice daily mindfulness to maintain awareness of our moods, thoughts, and feelings. How connected are we feeling in our lives? Do we have secrets? Do we feel the same as we did when we were truly integrated into our program(s) of recovery?
- Watch out for boredom. Many intensity addicts (such as sex, porn, and chemsex addicts) find danger in too much free time and boredom. When things are going too smoothly, we may feel compelled to shake things up a bit and generate some drama. Triggers and cues for addictive behavior may become more common.
- Set realistic goals. Many addicts who start to fight complacency attempt to rework our lives overnight, bringing addictive thinking into our efforts to get back on track. It’s important to be realistic rather than trying to fix everything immediately. Overcommitting to unrealistic goals such as attending two or three meetings a day, seven days a week, creates a high risk of failure. We may find this is a good time to reexamine our boundary plans. Does a behavior need to be moved from one circle/boundary to another?
- Stay connected. Connection is a powerful force for healing and recovery. Most addicts experience tremendous isolation and loneliness before quitting our addictive behaviors. New social networks in recovery are rewarding both interpersonally and intra-personally, resulting in feelings of belonging, happiness, and connection. If we find that we’re feeling disconnected, we must reach out to our fellows in recovery by arriving at meetings early and staying for at least 15 minutes after the meeting ends to be social.
- Foster a sense of purpose. As noted above, once the drama of our addicted lives begins to fade into a more stable and happy life of recovery, complacency can set in. But stability also creates tremendous opportunities to deepen our understanding of purpose. New ideas or activities may become meaningful, especially as service for others is integrated into our program of recovery. Perhaps for the first time in our lives we may feel as if we have found a home. Gratitude, purpose, and belonging not only counteract complacency, they help us maintain both our integrity and a rich and rewarding recovery.
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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity offers inpatient treatment for sex, porn, and substance/sex addicts, as well as low-cost online workgroups. At the same time, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.