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Basic Tools of Porn Addiction Recovery

Erin Snow

Unfortunately for porn addicts, addiction triggers are unavoidable, mostly because sex is so thoroughly baked into our consumer culture. In today’s world, anyone, anywhere, anytime can be triggered into sexual desire—driving past one sexy billboard after another, seeing someone showing just a bit too much skin at the grocery store, sitting in the stands at their kid’s soccer match, picking up a magazine at a friend’s house, hanging out at a neighborhood party, attending a work event, taking the dog for a walk, going to the movies, working out, sitting at home watching TV, driving through a particular neighborhood, etc. Sexual triggers are endless in number and variety, and there is quite literally nothing to be done about this beyond learning how to recognize these triggers and implement healthier (non-addictive) coping mechanisms.

To this end, it is important for porn addicts to have a recovery toolbox that they can reach into whenever they are triggered. In fact, utilizing healthy coping mechanisms (tools of recovery) is the only consistently effective way to short-circuit the addictive cycle.

A few of the more useful tools for recovering porn addicts include (but are not even remotely limited to) the following:

  • The Three-Second Rule: Porn addicts are not in control of the thoughts that pop into their minds. What they can control is what they do with those thoughts once they become aware of them. For instance, after recognizing an unwanted, objectifying thought or sexual fantasy, they can allow themselves a maximum of three seconds to turn away from it and focus on something else. Typically, as soon as they become aware of the triggering thought, they “turn it over” to their Higher Power, asking for the thought to be removed. This process works and works well, even for addicts who struggle with the concept of God/Higher Power. The simple act of doing something (anything at all) to get rid of an unwanted thought or fantasy nearly always does the trick.
  • Twelve-Step Sexual Recovery Meetings: To maintain long-term recovery, porn addicts need places where they can talk openly and honestly, without fear of judgment, about their addiction. By far, the most readily available safe (empathetic, nonjudgmental, and relatively private) places to do this are before, during, and after therapy, group therapy, an addiction-focused workgroup, or a 12-step sexual recovery meeting. Put simply, one of the most powerful tools in the box is talking about the addiction to someone who understands it.
  • Calling Another Recovering Addict: If no addiction-focused meeting is taking place when an addict is triggered, they can turn to their therapy, workgroup, or 12-step group’s phone list and call anyone on it. Having this handy list of phone numbers of supportive friends in recovery is essential when addicts need immediate help or when they simply want support and guidance from someone who “speaks their language.”
  • Green Circle Behaviors: Circle Pans [hyperlink] are created for several reasons—to help addicts understand the nature of their addiction, to define their personal version of sexual sobriety, to identify their “slippery” areas to watch out for, and to provide them with guidance when they are triggered and unsure of what to do next. Many porn addicts carry printed or digitized versions of their Circle Plan with them at all times. That way, when they feel triggered, they can look at their green circle and find a handy list of healthy alternatives.
  • HALT: This is an acronym for Hungry, Angry/Anxious, Lonely, and T Any of these simple conditions can leave an addict more vulnerable than usual to acting out. Let’s face it, even healthy, non-addicted people tend to behave in ways they might later regret when their judgment is clouded by hunger, anger, anxiety, loneliness, or exhaustion. The trick here is for addicts to recognize and address these needs when they arise rather than simply lumping them in with every other form of emotional discomfort that they don’t want to experience (and once tried to avoid by using porn). As such, porn addicts must learn to HALT and ask themselves: When did I last eat? Did I get enough sleep last night? Is there some conflict in my life that I need to resolve? Would spending a few minutes talking with someone who understands me help me feel better? Usually, a catnap, a candy bar, or a five-minute phone conversation will greatly diminish the desire to relapse.
  • Bookending: Sometimes, porn addicts are triggered unexpectedly. Other times, triggers can be seen well in advance. For instance, being home alone for an entire afternoon is an obvious trigger for most porn addicts. Knowing this, addicts can bookend the event with phone calls to their therapist, 12-step sponsor, accountability partner, or another supportive person in recovery. During the “before” call, the addict commits to sobriety and discusses plans to avoid relapse. The “after” call provides an opportunity to discuss what happened, what feelings came up, and what the addict might need to do differently next time.
  • Practicing Gratitude: Porn addicts have typically used their sexual fantasies and behaviors to numb themselves for so long that they’ve forgotten how to experience emotions—especially uncomfortable ones like anxiety, depression, shame, fear, and the like—in a healthy way. Sometimes, especially early in the recovery process, porn addicts can become overwhelmed by those feelings and lose sight of what is going right in their lives. A great way to combat this “stinking thinking” is to create a gratitude list. Writing a ten-item gratitude list nearly always counteracts almost any trigger and halts the addictive cycle.

Obviously, the brief list of tools presented above is hardly the full kit. Journaling, workgroups, written 12-step work, ongoing outreach to others in recovery, 12-step sponsorship (both giving and receiving), reading recovery-related literature, changing old routines, developing healthy hobbies, prayer, meditation, and “thinking it through” are just a few of the hundreds of other tools porn addicts can use to combat their addictive patterns.

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If you or a loved one are struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts new to recovery. Click HERE for information on our Sex Addiction Workgroup. Click HERE for information on our Porn Addiction workgroup.