Should I Stay or Go?

Tami VerHelst

Being of a certain age, the song made famous by the British punk rock band The Clash starts playing in my head with the lyrics: “Should I stay, or should I go now? If I go, there will be trouble, and if I stay, it will be double…”

I know many who are struggling with sex/porn addiction/infidelity and betrayal trauma are likely dealing with thoughts looping in their brains along those lines. And there is no easy decision or a convenient decision tree of “if this then stay; if that then go.” Many receive advice from well-meaning friends/family that is not only unhelpful but sometimes hurtful. Even when leaving is the choice, it doesn’t take away the pain and grief.

At Seeking Integrity, we have experience in helping people with these issues and specifically we have created a series of webinars that can be helpful. Each person makes their own choices, but having good information to consider can help.

• Kristin Snowden provided a webinar on the topic of Should I Stay or Go? Her thoughtful presentation about finding discernment has been one that I have referenced frequently, as the questions that she shared to think (ideally journal) about can give context to where each person is at that moment and their path forward. The questions can be revisited as progress (or not) occurs.
• Debbie Allen hosted a webinar with two betrayed partners who shared their journey—one chose to stay while the other left the relationship. This webinar with the partners vulnerably sharing their choices and the journey through this experience can give insight on for those looking at what they need/want to do.
• Debra Doak provided a webinar about mediation for those looking at taking a step (whether they continue it or not) toward separation or divorce. Her guidance to stay but create a plan or leave but do so in a way that will be most helpful (and least painful) provides a roadmap for planning.
• Finally in this series, Stuart Leviton provided a webinar on legal aspects to consider as you decide to stay or go: why to contact an attorney, when to do so, and what can you expect. As he wears both a legal hat and a mental health hat as he is working in this specific field, he shared how the legal system cannot effectively address emotions, so having realistic expectations about what to expect is key.

This series of webinars (we hope) will help those struggling with the Stay or Go question, providing guidance toward seeking help from professionals as needed.

There is never a smooth, easy path after infidelity, and having realistic expectations and support can help you reach the best outcome possible in a messy and complex situation.