By Tim Stein
Meditation from Gifts of Recovery.
Boundaries allow us to be independent of others and yet deeply connected to them.
– Patrick Carnes
Some of us believe that in order to be emotionally close to another person, we need to drop our personal boundaries. The problem with this is that all humans are, by our nature, imperfect. No matter how hard people try to be respectful and loving, they are sometimes disrespectful and hurtful. If we drop our personal boundaries, we put ourselves in danger of being hurt. In so doing, we do not allow the other person their imperfection. In a sense we are saying, “You must contain yourself perfectly. I will not protect myself from your moments of disrespect. It is your job to make sure I am not hurt.” This lack of boundaries makes us unsafe for other imperfect humans to be close to. When we hold appropriate boundaries and protect ourselves from others’ imperfections or, in other words, we allow them to be human, we make ourselves safe to connect with and be emotionally close to.
Am I safe for others to be emotionally close to? Do I acknowledge and accept the imperfections of others? What gifts await me as I protect myself with appropriate boundaries?
* * * * * * * * * *
Having appropriate boundaries is an essential skill for emotional health. Too solid a boundary and we are easily disconnected from others. Too permeable a boundary and we are easily overwhelmed or harmed by others. As therapists, we spend much of our time directly or indirectly addressing our clients’ boundaries. This is true regardless of the presenting problem. Boundary work is an aspect of therapy for depression, anxiety, family issues, couples work, trauma, as well as addiction.
As wounded healers, we must pay attention to boundaries in both our professional life and our personal life. When we were active in our addiction, our boundaries were dysfunctional. I realize this is a very general statement regarding a diverse group of individuals, but I also believe it to be true. How many active addicts have you met who had consistently effective, balanced boundaries in their lives? That certainly did not describe me in my years of active addiction, nor have I met an active addict that bucked this trend. Developing and holding appropriate boundaries is one of the many gifts of recovery.
Addiction impacts our ability to be truly intimate. Sex addiction specifically is clinically discussed as an intimacy disorder. Not allowing your true self to be known impacts your ability to be truly intimate. Superficial intimacy, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, is not true intimacy. Developing and maintaining appropriate boundaries in recovery is the pathway to intimacy. As stated by Pat Carnes, “Boundaries allow us to be independent of others and yet deeply connected to them.”
The boundaries we hold in our personal life ask us to be known while also being contained, to be connected while also being autonomous, and to be vulnerable while being protected. These boundaries are achieved through the healing work of the program, working the 12-Steps, and therapy. Maintaining our boundaries requires rigorous honesty, self-assessment, and seeking out perspective and feedback from those we trust.
As therapists in recovery, we must consider the boundaries we hold in session. Research consistently shows that two significant predictors of success in therapy are (1) the client’s perception of their relationship with the therapist and (2) whether the client believes the therapist would follow their own advice. Neither of these paths to successful therapy is possible without the therapist being known. On the other hand, therapy would be chaotic and detrimental if the therapist did not have an appropriate container. How do we share our stories which may benefit the client without sharing our story, which would pull the focus of therapy onto us?
We can take a lesson from our personal recovery and find others we trust to guide us. In this case, having trusted peers is helpful as we allow ourselves to be known while maintaining appropriate therapeutic boundaries. We must continue to be rigorously honest, embrace self-assessment, and bring gray areas forward for feedback and guidance.
By allowing those we trust to give us perspective, we effectively maintain boundaries in both our personal and professional lives.