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Porn Addiction: Finding the Right Therapist

Erin Snow

Porn addicts nearly always require outside assistance if they hope to find lasting sobriety and healing. If they could change things on their own, they would. But they can’t, so they don’t. Willpower alone doesn’t cut it. So, even though most porn addicts would rather eat a plate of dirt than talk about their porn use with other people, they tend to eventually reach out for help.

Typically, that help begins with addiction-focused therapy, preferably provided by a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). CSATs are needed because sex and porn addiction are unique in many ways, meaning treatment is highly specialized.

Unfortunately, the process of locating a qualified treatment specialist is not always easy. If porn addicts are not diligent in finding a good CSAT, they may encounter clinicians who are knowledgeable about various related and co-occurring issues—most notably depression and anxiety—but unfamiliar with porn addiction. These clinicians often diagnose and then treat the client’s secondary issues while never quite touching on the addict’s primary problem, the addiction, simply because they don’t know how to diagnose or address it.

Sex Therapists

While one might think that someone certified as a “sex therapist” surely would understand the issue of porn addiction, this is often not the case. Sex therapists are trained to be fully sex-positive, meaning their goal is to help people feel better about their sexual interests (without looking at how compulsive engagement in those interests can become problematic). And while this type of validating, supportive, nonjudgmental treatment can be a highly effective approach when managing other sexual issues, such as feeling uncomfortable about same-sex attractions or a fetish of some sort, this type of well-intentioned advice is counterproductive for porn addicts.

Sex therapists tend to offer advice like, “You should really just loosen up and try to become more comfortable with your sexuality.” This, of course, is not what a porn addict needs to hear. Imagine, if you will, a therapist telling an alcoholic with two arrests for driving while intoxicated to loosen up a bit and drink without shame. Well, this is what sex therapists often do with porn addicts.

Moralistic Therapists

Sex therapists are not the only clinicians who can do more harm than good when working with porn addicts. At the other end of the spectrum there are misguided mental health professionals who will label a person as addicted to marginalize sexual activity that does not mesh with the therapist’s personal or religious belief system. In essence, these therapists are trying to be the sex police, imposing broad-brush moral, cultural, or religious values on human sexuality, thereby creating a narrow version of sexual health.

Such therapists routinely misapply the porn addiction diagnosis, using it to “treat” homosexuality, bisexuality, recreational (non-addictive) porn use, casual sex, non-monogamy, fetishes, and a wide variety of other sexual behaviors that, in reality, fall well within the boundaries of normal and healthy adult sexuality.

Evaluating a Potential Therapist

When choosing a therapist, porn addicts should look not so much at the clinician’s academic degrees but at whether that person is certified in and has experience with the treatment of sex and porn addiction. A “CSAT” designation (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) after the clinician’s name is the primary indicator of these qualifications.

Even with that, it is wise to make sure that a particular clinician is the right fit. You should feel comfortable (not shamed or devalued) and understood (supported and guided) by this person, and you should feel as if they have the requisite knowledge and experience to help you. If you are dealing with porn addiction, you also need a therapist who will confront you about your behaviors and your distorted thinking (your denial), even when doing so feels uncomfortable.

Asking certain questions either prior to or during the initial session can be quite helpful in terms of choosing the right therapist. A few sample questions for a potential therapist are as follows:

  • Are you trained in the diagnosis and treatment of sex and porn addiction? If so, what training have you received? (If the therapist is CSAT trained and certified, you’re on the right track.)
  • Do you have experience working with porn-addicted clients? If so, to what extent?
  • Have you helped clients with other addictions—alcoholism, drug addiction, and the like?
  • Do you recommend that your addicted clients attend 12-step recovery meetings? (Most good porn addiction therapists will say they not only recommend this, they insist on it.)
  • Do you offer sex/porn addiction-focused group therapy and recommend it to your clients? (Most good porn addiction therapists will say they not only recommend this, they insist on it.)
  • How would you help me if I relapsed? (Good porn addiction therapists take a non-shaming approach that looks at the underlying causes of the relapse and how the addict might avoid similar relapses in the future.)
  • If applicable: Are you comfortable working with gay/lesbian clients?
  • If applicable: How will you address or handle my religious beliefs?
  • If applicable: What kind of direction and support can you offer my spouse? (Typically, good porn addiction therapists will suggest that your spouse see a different therapist, so long as that other therapist is knowledgeable about porn addiction and experienced in working with spouses of porn addicts.)

If you do not feel a connection with a therapist within the first two or three sessions, you might want to look for someone else. This does not mean you need to love your therapist; it simply means you feel understood by them and that they are able to help you reach your goals.

As much as you may want to find someone who can help you right now, especially if you are in an addiction-related crisis, it is a good idea to interview more than one potential clinician before deciding who to see. And there is nothing wrong with doing this. In fact, good therapists understand the need for a mutual fit, and they will not be offended if you choose someone else. The best clinicians sometimes encourage potential clients to sit with several people before deciding who suits them and their situation the best. They may even offer up the names and contact information of other CSAT-certified clinicians.

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If you or a loved one are struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts new to recovery. Click HERE for information on our Sex Addiction Workgroup. Click HERE for information on our Porn Addiction workgroup.