Scott Brassart
Last month I celebrated 20 years sober from sex and porn addiction. Each year I’ve been sober, I’ve grown more aware and appreciative of the power of 12 Step recovery. My 12 Step journey, coupled with therapy and other forms of personal growth, has steadily changed how I think about my behaviors, my life, and my connections to the people around me.
For starters, I now understand that my active addiction was a 20-plus year effort to push away feelings of disconnection and loneliness. I was desperate for intimate connection, but rather than becoming vulnerable and reaching out to others in ways that would let them know the real me, I built an emotional wall that kept them away. I did and said a thousand different things each and every day that told the people around me, “I don’t need you or want you, so please don’t invade my space.”
I was lonely and miserable. I didn’t know that, of course, because I never let myself feel it. Instead, I numbed myself with addictive substances and behaviors. That’s what addicts do, right? When we feel emotional discomfort, we escape it by any means necessary, even when our addictions and our isolation are killing us.
I thank my Higher Power every day that my world finally collapsed, that I finally hit bottom, that I finally realized that I couldn’t live the way I was living any longer because I wasn’t actually living. And sadly, that state of being was an inside job. My loneliness and misery were my loneliness and misery. The people around me were not the problem; I was the problem.
That is a lesson I learned as I worked the 12 Steps. It’s not a lesson I wanted or expected to learn. What I wanted from 12-Step recovery was for people to think I was addressing my issues so I could keep my job, not lose my home, keep talking to my family, etc. I was not interested in meaningful change; I wanted my consequences to stop, and that’s about it. But 12 Step recovery has a way of sinking in and healing us whether we want it to or not.
That process, of course, begins with Step 1. Step 1 for sex and porn addiction recovery reads as follows:
We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable.
For many of us, logging on to this website, walking into an addiction treatment center, reaching out to a therapist, and attending a 12-step meeting for the first time are forms of Step 1. The simple act of looking for and asking for help is, in and of itself, an admission of powerlessness and unmanageability. However, there is much more that we can do to fully work Step 1. Most of this work is designed to unearth our complete addiction history and its impact on our lives and the lives of those around us. When we do this, we are able to see, usually for the first time, the totality of our addiction and its directly related negative life consequences.
Three tasks are helpful in this regard.
Task 1: Create a Powerlessness Inventory
Being powerless means we have lost control over our addiction. We engage in addictive behaviors compulsively, even when we say we don’t want to, and we have no ability to stop these behaviors once we’ve started. Being powerless means that despite the promises we’ve made to ourselves and others that we are going to stop our addictive behaviors, those behaviors continue.
To create a powerlessness inventory, we list 30 or more examples of how we are powerless over our addiction. Typically, we use the following format: “Even though I (list a particular consequence), I continued to (list a particular addictive behavior).”
Example: Even though I got a written warning at work for misusing my company issued phone, I continued to use hookup apps on it.
Task 2: Create an Unmanageability Inventory
Unmanageability speaks primarily to the consequences of the addiction, both direct (obviously connected) and indirect (less obviously connected). Many of us experience relationship troubles, reprimands at work, financial problems, physical issues, and even arrests that are very obviously connected to our out-of-control behaviors. Less obvious consequences may include depression, anxiety, feeling worn out, forgetting to pay bills, eating poorly, losing interest in previously enjoyable activities, etc. Any and all of these issues, both direct and indirect, are examples of unmanageability.
To create an unmanageability inventory, we list 30 or more examples of unmanageability (problems and consequences) related to our sexual behaviors. We should include examples of emotional, physical, spiritual, relational, career, educational, legal, and financial consequences, along with any other consequences we can think of.
Example: I was fired from my job for repeatedly taking long lunches, mostly because I was getting erotic massages and lap dances.
Task 3: Share Our Step 1 Inventories
In 12 Step programs for sex and porn addiction recovery, our Step 1 inventories should be shared with our sponsor and our home group (usually during a meeting). This action helps our fellows in recovery fully know us, understand our issues, and support us more effectively. We might also share these inventories with our therapist and therapy group.
For many of us, sharing our Step 1 inventories is one of the hardest parts of recovery. This is because most of us, when we first enter recovery, are filled with shame, remorse, and self-loathing. Plus, we’ve gotten very used to keeping secrets from our partners, family, friends, and the world at large. Opening up about the nature and extent of our behavior is anathema to our entire existence. It feels completely unnatural and we don’t want to do it.
That said, sharing our addiction history and consequences lifts the burden of compartmentalizing the addiction and lugging it around in secret. Letting go of secrets frees us and allows us to move forward with a different, better life. Often, the act of sharing our Step 1 inventories is the true start of recovery. Many of us state that our life began to get better the moment we got honest with our support network by sharing our Step 1 inventories.
* * * * * * * * * *
If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity offers inpatient treatment for sex, porn, and substance/sex addicts, as well as low-cost online workgroups. At the same time, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.