Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, C-CSAS
“I have something I need to tell you,” said Daryl, a 32-year-old client who has been watching pornography since he was 13 and recently lost his job after being caught viewing it on his company phone. “I have struggled to stop watching porn because I like it. I’m ashamed to admit that, but I genuinely enjoy watching pornography.”
My response to Daryl was simple. “Thank you for being courageous to share that with me. I appreciate your honesty.” But my heart sank as I thought about what porn was doing to him and his peers, as well as thousands of women who the industry has used. I can understand Daryl’s feelings about porn because it provides extreme stimulation.
But it comes at a price.
People need to understand there are REAL WOMEN on the other side of the camera. And I believe behind most women in porn is a man who professes to be loving and caring but is actually pimping her out to satisfy his voyeuristic desires or for financial gain.
Pornography has ruined the lives of thousands of women who found themselves in front of a camera engaging in sexual and degrading acts they could never imagine doing when they were young and innocent girls.
The Dream of 12-Year-Olds?
Men like Daryl are getting their thrills by objectifying and using women (and men) whose dreams and inspirations as children did not include being porn actors.
I often respond to men who say they see nothing wrong with porn by asking them to tell me the time they met that 12-year-old girl and asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. And she did not say a ballerina, a doctor, or an artist, but instead said, “I want to take my clothes off in front of a camera and have sex with strange men and women.”
I have yet to have a man say they have met this young girl. Why? Because she does not exist! But even if they stumble across her, I can guarantee someone has hurt her very, very badly.
These are real women on the other side of the camera. Women who often need to medicate themselves before the lights go on and the filming begins. Women who have been groomed, enticed, and sometimes forced into engaging in pornographic activities.
They are women who have suffered mental, emotional, and physical anguish at the hands of men in the porn industry. Men who are concerned with one thing – making money. And they make millions off these vulnerable and sometimes naïve women who want to make a boyfriend happy or who see this as an escape from financial difficulties. It is an industry that generates money by abusing people.
“A former boyfriend pushed me to get involved in porn when I was 19,” explained one woman who was in the industry for less than one year. “He told me I was too beautiful for him not to share with other men and women. I was very reluctant about the idea, but I did not want to disappoint him.
“I hated it from day one, but he loved it, so I continued,” she said. “But as time went on, the sex acts became more degrading. I started to hate myself for what I was doing and had to coke up before going on the set. Finally, I had a nervous breakdown, leading me to leave porn and my boyfriend.”
Much research has been done, and stories told, demonstrating how pornography destroys lives, whether it is the individuals on camera or consumers whose porn use results in relational issues, sexual dysfunctions, isolation, or legal consequences.
Euphoria Turns to Despair
Despite the enjoyment porn brings for those who watch, it will all end one day. The euphoric feelings turn to shame and disgust. The sexual excitement shifts to sexual frustration. The sense of engagement becomes isolation, loneliness, and despair.
So, let us hear what else Daryl had to say during our session after admitting he enjoyed watching pornography. “I’m sitting here today because I have come to understand porn is ruining my life,” he commented. “I have lost a job I love, and my wife is repulsed by what I have done. We may end up divorced. I hate what I have become.
“Plus, I now understand that I am victimizing the women who are part of the porn industry,” he continued. “I have two young daughters, and to think they could get caught up in this makes me sick.”
Daryl, like many others who have been on the hamster wheel of pornography, has come full circle in his thinking about the stimulant that has rocked his world and caused his crash. Like millions of men who have had their awakening, he no longer professes an enjoyment for porn but instead realizes it is cancer that can destroy everything he loves.
Have you experienced the negative consequences porn brings? If so, there is a way out of the cesspool. However, it is not a battle you can win by yourself. It will require you to be courageous enough to seek help and support.
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If you or someone you care about is struggling with compulsive porn use, help is available. For porn addicts, Seeking Integrity offers a low-cost online workgroup series. Click HERE for information. We also offer a low-cost online workgroup series to help sex and porn addicts understand why they turn away from a loving partner. Click HERE for information.