Tips for an Effective Circle Plan
Dr. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT
In my previous post to this site, I introduced the concept of Circle Plans for recovering porn addicts, stating that these plans define and set limits on which sexual behaviors are and are not acceptable for each individual addict. This week, I provide tips on how to craft the most effective Circle Plan possible.
When first crafted, Circle Plans typically look airtight. However, they usually are not, allowing many porn addicts to manipulate and work around their efforts toward sobriety. Knowing this, it is wise to keep the following tips in mind when constructing and implementing a Circle Plan.
- Be clear. Circle Plans are intended to define sexual sobriety while providing structure for a healthier, happier life. They are written and signed as contracts to hold you accountable to your commitments, particularly in the face of challenging circumstances. If you lack clearly written boundaries, you are vulnerable to deciding in the moment that certain activities are OK for now, even though they’ve been wildly problematic in the past. Remember, impulsive sexual decisions made without clear guidelines are what dragged you down in the first place, so it’s best to not leave any wiggle room in sobriety.
Be sure to cover masturbation. A potentially tricky gray area with Circle Plans is masturbation. For most porn addicts, masturbation, even without using porn, is an integral part of the problem, directly feeding the fantasies that produce the high of the addiction. In such cases, masturbation is either a non-sober red circle behavior or a very slippery yellow circle behavior (what some addicts would call orange circle). If addicts are not sure about where to place masturbation in their plan, I suggest erring on the side of caution, which means at least initially making masturbation, even without the use of pornography, a red circle behavior. I recommend this primarily because if an addict is masturbating, a sexual fantasy is involved, and that fantasy is likely to involve memories of porn or not porn. And fantasizing about porn is, for addicts, the same as using porn.- Be flexible (over time). Circle Plans are not set in stone. In fact, recovering porn addicts often spend a month or two (or a year or two) with a particular set of boundaries and then realize that their plan needs adjustment. (Recent developments in digital technology have forced many long-sober addicts to revise their plans.) That said, changing a Circle Plan is never something you should do on your own. Making changes should always involve input from your therapist, 12-step sponsor, and sobriety support network. Changes to Circle Plans are not made just because some special situation presents itself and you decide, in the moment, to make a change. Such behavior is not called changing your plan; it’s called acting out.
- Be honest. Creating effective Circle Plans requires complete and brutal honesty from not just you but also your advisors. Let’s face it, if you’re looking to justify the continuation of a particular behavior, even though you know that it no longer serves a healthy purpose, you can probably find someone to sign off on it (or at least to agree that it’s not a big deal). It is important to remember here that the purpose of creating your Circle Plan is not to justify and rationalize problematic behaviors (or even watered-down versions of those activities); the purpose is to end sexual acting out and the incomprehensible demoralization it brings.
- Consider others. Porn addicts who develop their Circle Plans while single typically find that they need to revise their plans if they enter a serious relationship. Meanwhile, porn addicts already in long-term relationships need to consider how their new boundaries will affect their partner. If you are currently in a relationship, explaining to your partner the reasons for the changes in your approach to intimate relating will usually soften the impact.
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