Robert Weiss PhD, LCSW, CSAT
For many years, clinicians working with porn addicts found that most of their clients reported underlying early-life trauma – physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, inappropriate emotional enmeshment with a caregiver (i.e., covert incest), etc. In this way, porn addicts were the same as other addicts. In fact, there is a considerable amount of research that tells us a primary risk factor for addiction of all types is unresolved early-life trauma.
Over the past decade, however, therapists have encountered a new (and rapidly growing) category of porn addicts. These individuals, usually though not always young males, easily meet the basic criteria for addiction: preoccupation to the point of obsession; loss of control over use (usually evidenced by failed attempts to quit); and directly related negative consequences. But they seem to lack the usual underlying trauma.
For this new cohort of porn addicts, trauma does not drive the behavior. Instead, these individuals turn to porn because it’s infinitely more available and requires much less emotional vulnerability than real-world sex and romance. Often, their entire sexual life revolves around pornography. They are preoccupied to the point of obsession with pornography, they are unable to control their use of pornography, and they eventually experience negative consequences related to their use of pornography. So, they’re definitely porn addicts, but they’re not traditional trauma-driven porn addicts.
Instead, they are what I refer to as conditioned porn addicts. Typically, these are individuals who start using porn at an early age (often before adolescence) and simply don’t move beyond it. For them, porn is sexual education and sexual fulfillment in a quickly and easily accessed online package.
Unfortunately, because their only experience with sex and romance is porn, the usual emotional and psychological development around sex and romance are stunted. All they know how to relate to is porn. Their ability to form meaningful real-world romantic attachments does not develop, or does not fully develop, so they find themselves turning more and more to porn until it becomes an addiction – despite their lack of early-life trauma.
Treating Traditional, Trauma-Driven Porn Addicts
Traditional porn addicts are people who experienced significant early-life trauma such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, enmeshment, etc. Over time, usually starting in adolescence, they’ve learned to use sexual fantasies and behavior as a coping mechanism – as a way to escape from and numb feelings of stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness, boredom, etc.
These individuals generally respond to treatment that mirrors the techniques and strategies that work with substance abuse, eating disorders, and other addictions. First, this treatment focuses on stopping the problematic behavior. Next, therapeutic work focuses on breaking through denial, managing the crisis or crises that precipitated treatment, and implementing tactics to prevent relapse. Eventually, after the addict has developed a modicum of sobriety and social support, the underlying abuse and neglect that drives the addiction can be addressed with trauma resolution techniques.
NOTE: Trauma work is typically necessary for these addicts from a long-term sobriety and healing perspective, but it should not be undertaken too soon, as trauma work is extremely stressful, both emotionally and psychologically, and can easily trigger a freshly sober addict toward relapse.
Treating Conditioned Porn Addicts
Conditioned porn addicts, because their behavior is not driven by early-life trauma, require a modified treatment approach. As stated earlier, these individuals tend to start using porn early, often before adolescence. Over time, porn becomes their primary source of both sexual education and sexual fulfillment. As a result, their ability to form meaningful real-world romantic attachments does not fully develop. Instead, they become “conditioned to” and “stuck with” porn. Eventually, they find that they are unable to break free and move forward into real-world romantic and sexual relationships, no matter how much they desire that.
So how does treatment differ with this new category? In the early stages of healing, it doesn’t. At the start, we use the same approach as with traditional (trauma-driven) porn addicts, focusing on stopping the use of porn, breaking through denial, and creating and implementing countermeasures to prevent relapse. After that, however, the treatment path diverges.
Rather than working to resolve early-life trauma, as we do with traditional trauma-driven addicts, treatment transitions toward social development – learning how to develop and maintain real-world romantic and sexual connections.
Remember, for these individuals, porn has been the primary source of sexual and romantic information. As a result of this, they typically don’t have a clue about how to successfully navigate the waters of dating and sexual exploration. The compulsive use of porn stunts their growth in these areas, so they just don’t learn these skills. Then, suddenly, they wake up in their 20s or 30s feeling alone and desirous of a real-world relationship with no idea how to make that happen.
Admittedly, not all conditioned porn addicts are entirely bereft when it comes to real-world relationships. In fact, some are quite adept socially. But the majority need to be walked through the adolescent and early adult stages of social development to some degree, and that, rather than trauma, should generally be the secondary focus for this population.
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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity offers inpatient treatment for sex, porn, and substance/sex addicts, as well as low-cost online workgroups. At the same time, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.