By Tim Stein
Meditation from Gifts of Recovery.
You are an asymptote.
–Therapy Metaphor
An asymptote is a mathematical term for a curve that continually gets closer to a line but never reaches it. In recovery, we are asymptotes. The longer we stay sober, the easier it is to remain sober, but the addictive urges will never completely go away. The longer we work on recovery balance, the easier it is to maintain moderation in all things, but the pull of addiction patterns will never completely go away. The longer we are rigorously honest, the easier it is to remain rigorously honest, but the temptation to keep a secret will never completely go away. We are asymptotes. We get closer and closer to being “cured” or “recovered,” and while we never actually get there, it gets easier all the time.
Have I looked for a “cure” or believed I was “cured” of my addiction? Have I been frustrated that “recovery” is a lifelong process? What gifts await me as I accept that even though the work of recovery never ends, it does get easier with time?
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“Progress not perfection” is a tried and true saying in 12-step programs. There is significant value in accepting that while we may strive for perfection, we are human, and perfection is not in our nature. We may find a moment of perfection but will likely not be able to maintain that level indefinitely. Also, falling short of perfection is not a failure. It is part of the process of growing, learning, and improving. This is such a valuable sentiment that one of my clients changed the phrase “Practice makes perfect” to “Practice makes better.” I still use this new phrase in both my professional and personal life.
As wounded healers, we acknowledge that our clients will rarely be perfect in their healing and growth process. We teach our clients that it is as important to recognize the progress you have already made as it is to hold onto the goal of your destination. And, with our addict clients, this often translates to “You are in recovery, but you will never be recovered.” We have seen too many addicts fall off the wagon after a strong and seemingly solid period of sobriety because they “took their eye off the ball” and assumed their sobriety would be sustained with minimal effort. Relapse is the dangerous pitfall of an addict believing their work is done.
It is important for us, as wounded healers, to ask ourselves if we apply this principle to ourselves. Do we continue to actively work our recovery program? Do we actively hold boundaries with potentially problematic stimuli or environments? Do we consciously maintain connection with those who support us in recovery? Do we embrace rigorous honesty in all areas of our life, especially with our partners? Or do we assume that our work helping others find sobriety and recovery is sufficient and allow our program to lapse?
We are asymptotes, a curve that constantly gets closer to a line but never actually touches it. Our work is never done.
The other side of being an asymptote is also important to recognize; by doing our work, we are consistently making progress. Early on, relapse was a poor outcome, but we learned from it and eventually found consistent sobriety. A secret we were keeping may have been painfully exposed and we learned the importance of rigorous honesty. We may have realized that our relationship with money was a bit chaotic and created a recovery-based budget. We may have felt solid in recovery only to discover how much acknowledging gratitude adds to our recovery life and embraced a daily gratitude program. Recognizing something new does not mean our work so far has been insufficient. It simply means that we are constantly growing. We are asymptotes, and that is a beautiful thing.