We Need a Pack to Recover

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All daily inspirations can be found in the book Sex and Porn Addiction Healing and Recovery. Used here with permission of the author. Click the book cover image to purchase the book on Amazon.

There is an undeniable strength in numbers.

Human beings are meant to work together, not to go it alone. For evidence, think back to prehistoric times when people lived in tribes. If we went hunting, we went in a group; otherwise, we were as likely to be eaten as to eat. And hunting trips could take a very long time, so other members of the tribe stayed behind in the cave and tanned hides to keep the group warm, gathered nuts and berries to eat, collected sticks for the fire, and did some rudimentary farming. For thousands of years, this type of communal living was the standard for survival. Because of this, our brains evolved in ways that encourage interpersonal bonding, and now we are wired to be dependent upon others. Yet somehow, in modern society, our intrinsic need for connection gets discounted. This despite the fact that endless amounts of research tell us that people who spend their lives ‘apart from’ rather than ‘a part of’ do not function as well as those who feel emotionally connected.

Task for Today
Ask yourself, “Who is in my pack?” If you don’t have a pack, ask another recovering person to have coffee with you.

Dealing With Slips/Relapses

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All daily inspirations can be found in the book Sex and Porn Addiction Healing and Recovery. Used here with permission of the author. Click the book cover image to purchase the book on Amazon.

Falling down is how we learn and grow. Staying down is how we die.

In sex and porn addiction recovery, slips and relapse are relatively common, and they are usually not the end of the world. So, rather than looking at these events as disasters with no solution, we can view them as learning opportunities. In other words, setbacks should be treated as problems to be explored and solved rather than personal failures. After a slip or relapse, we can explore the ‘stinking thinking’ that led to our backslide, identify the trigger or triggers that pushed us over the edge, and devise ways in which we can handle ourselves differently in the future if the same or a similar situation arises. We can also explore other situations in which we might relapse, planning for ways to cope there as well. If necessary, we can tighten our sexual sobriety plan.

Task for Today
Examine the slippery slope that led up to your last episode of sexual acting out. Share about this with your therapist, 12-step sponsor, or a friend in recovery.

Masturbation as a Healthy Behavior?

All daily inspirations can be found in the book Sex and Porn Addiction Healing and Recovery. Used here with permission of the author.

For some sex and porn addicts, masturbation is the only sex they ever have with a person they care about.

Comedienne Lily Tomlin famously said, “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” And she may be right. That said, for many people there is more to masturbation than just self-pleasure. For some recovering sex and porn addicts, masturbation can be a healthy, outer circle/boundary activity, helping them create healthy, non-compulsive sexual and romantic attachments. For instance, being held while masturbating can be a deeply intimate act that helps to build connection. That said, plenty of sex and porn addicts tend to struggle with compulsive masturbation, and generally it should be placed in either the inner or middle circle/boundary. When there is confusion about masturbation, it is best to err on the side of caution.

Task for Today
Think about whether masturbation could be a healthy part of your recovery, and, if so, how that might happen.

Taking the Next Right Step

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All daily inspirations can be found in the book Sex and Porn Addiction Healing and Recovery. Used here with permission of the author.

At this moment, I am the right person, in the right place, at the right time.

Some days we wake up on the wrong side of the bed. For whatever reason, we just don’t want to face the day. The world seems too big and too difficult, and the solution feels like crawling back into bed or re-engaging with our addiction. At that point, we must ask ourselves what sort of day we would like to have. If we want to be miserable, we’re off to a good start. If we want to have a decent day, we need to make a break with what we’re feeling. And that break always requires some sort of action on our part. We need to take the proverbial next right step. This may mean getting out of bed and thanking our Higher Power for our sobriety. It may mean compiling a gratitude list. Or it may be as simple as dragging ourselves into the bathroom to brush our teeth, shower, and get dressed. As we continually do the next right thing over and over, we start to accomplish things and our day inevitably gets better.

Task for Today
When you feel stuck, ask yourself, “What is the next right step?” And then take that step.

Sexual Integrity

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All daily inspirations can be found in the book Sex and Porn Addiction Healing and Recovery. Used here with permission of the author.

Every life crisis presents an opportunity, however painful, for personal growth.

A primary goal for most recovering sex and porn addicts is developing sexual integrity. When defining what sexual integrity looks like for you, there are several things to consider, including what you learned about sex from your family, what doctrines are espoused by your religion and how important it is for you to live within those doctrines, what your community believes about sex and sexuality, whether certain behaviors are physically and emotionally safe for you and others, and whether you are harming yourself or anyone else with your behavior. Based on these considerations, your version of sexual integrity will probably not look like anyone else’s. What works for your best friend might be totally wrong for you, and vice versa. The trick, when developing your personal version of sexual integrity, is figuring out what works and makes sense for you (and, to a lesser extent, the people around you).

Task for Today
Consider how your life history impacts your definition of sexual integrity.

Shame: The Wisdom of Sirius Black

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All daily inspirations can be found in the book Sex and Porn Addiction Healing and Recovery. Used here with permission of the author.

Shame thrives in darkness, but withers in sunlight.

In Harry Potter: The Order of the Phoenix, Harry fears the darkness with himself. When he shares this with his godfather, Sirius Black, Sirius tells him to listen very carefully, and then he says, “You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.” Sex and porn addicts, especially those new to recovery, often face a dilemma similar to Harry’s. We think we are bad people, permanently ruined. When this occurs, it is important to understand that although we cannot change the past, we can choose to act differently in the future. And if we do, that is who we truly are.

Task for Today
Stop living in the wreckage of your past. Stay in the moment. Be a good person right here, right now.